Asking someone why they are still single is a popular
first date question.
But it actually comes with a lot of negative
implications.
Dating expert Erika Ettin says it suggests there is
something wrong with being single, and you should avoid talking
about exes at all when you first meet someone new.
When you're on a first date and it's going well, congratulations,
you've cleared the first hurdle.
But even though you're quite sure you're attracted to each other,
other anxieties can creep up on you.
For example, you might start to ask yourself how the attractive,
smart, funny person sitting opposite you could possibly be
single.
According to marriage counselor
Robert Maurer, asking your date this question out loud is a
good way of sussing them out, because it will give you an insight
into their attitudes towards their past relationships. Are they
always blameless when something goes wrong, or are they mature
enough to learn from their mistakes?
However, Erika Ettin, founder of dating site A Little Nudge, says asking someone
"so how come someone as wonderful as you is still single?" is a
terrible idea.
"To start, this question is a back-handed compliment at its
finest, with undertones of 'What's
wrong with you?' or 'Why does no one else want you?'" Ettin said
in an email to Business Insider. "This question immediately puts
the person at the receiving end on the defensive, when that
person has nothing at all to be defensive about."
At best, Ettin said, the person can uncomfortably deflect the
question, by answering with something like: "Aren't you lucky
that I am?"
The most awkward part of the question, Ettin says, is the use of
the word "still," as it implies that there is something wrong
with being single in the first place.
"Being single is not a crime," she said. "In fact, it's a valid
life choice that many people desire...[It's] as if one thinks
you've been single since the day you came out of the womb. The
reality is that we never know the other person's story."
It also suggests that being in a relationship is everyone's
ultimate goal, which isn't necessarily the case. Just because
someone is unattached, doesn't mean they are desperate for a
relationship, or they are lagging behind everyone else.
In fact, Ettin says she discourages her clients from discussing
past lovers on the first date at all.
"When you go on a date, the focus should be on the present, not
the past," Ettin said. "Talking about prior relationships often
brings up difficult feelings, usually negative, and takes the
tone of the date down. Talk about things that make you happy,
what you like to do, and who you are as a person… not who you
used to be, and who you used to be with."
With that in mind, however curious you might be about someone's
past, perhaps stick to less daunting questions the first time you
meet them.
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