"Boredom affects not just
your sexual relationship but your entire relationship," says
Westheimer, pictured.
Courtesy of
Amazon Publishing
Dr. Ruth Westheimer is a psychosexual
therapist.
She's found boredom — inside
and outside the bedroom — is the biggest threat to a romantic
relationship.
Before you give up on a boring relationship, Westheimer
says you should try making your own life more
exciting.
Other experts recommend trying new things with your
partner as a way to combat boredom.
Dr. Ruth Westheimer separated from her second husband when their
daughter was one year old.
In her 2015 memoir, "The
Doctor Is In: Dr. Ruth on Love, Life, and Joie de Vivre," she
explains what happened: "What we'd had was a great love affair,
but there wasn't enough of a connection to sustain a marriage
that would last a lifetime. One of the missing ingredients was
intellectual stimulation."
Westheimer — better known simply as Dr. Ruth — is arguably the
world's most famous sex therapist. At 89 years old, she's heard
from thousands of people about their most pressing sex and
relationship issues. Over time, she's learned that the
biggest danger to a romantic relationship is boredom — and not
just in the bedroom.
In "The Doctor Is In," Westheimer writes:
"I often speak about sexual boredom, and it's certainly a topic
that magazines like Cosmo address regularly, but in my opinion,
sexual boredom is only a minor aspect to a couple's not having a
satisfying sex life. Intellectual boredom with each other is a
much bigger culprit."
Westheimer
tweets frequently about the hazards of a boring relationship.
From
February 2012: "Boredom affects not just your sexual
relationship but your entire relationship. Seek out ways to push
boredom out of your life."
Boredom isn't necessarily the death knell for a relationship
Interestingly, other experts say boredom may not be an inherently
negative experience.
Elizabeth Bernstein at The Wall Street Journal reported that
boredom can be a sign that you need to make a change in your
relationship.
One therapist told The Journal that it's important to identify
when and where you feel bored. Then talk to your partner about
the situation — but instead of using the word "bored" or placing
blame, suggest a new joint activity.
Indeed, research suggests that
couples who try new things together are more satisfied with
their relationships.
Westheimer concludes "The Doctor Is In" by answering questions
she received from the audience at a production of "Becoming Dr. Ruth," a
play based on her life. In response to a question about the
biggest danger to a relationship, Westheimer responds (you
guessed it): boredom.
She writes:
"The first step to fighting boredom is to recognize it. One clue
is that you're always tired even though there's no particular
cause, like a baby who wakes you five times a night or financial
worries that keep you from falling asleep. The reason that you
are tired is that there's nothing about your life that makes you
excited."
Perhaps surprisingly, Westheimer recommends spicing up your own
life as a way to combat relationship boredom: Visit the theater,
join a book club, take an online course. "By investing in
yourself in all these ways, you'll find that the fog of boredom
will lift and the bright light of joie de vivre will being to
light your life."
She caveats that if none of this is helping, you should seek
professional guidance. And if Westheimer's experience in her
second marriage is any indication, sometimes you may have to end
the relationship.
The takeaway here is that, if you're on the fence about whether
to stay in a boring relationship, you should exhaust all
reasonable possibilities before giving up.
Here's Westheimer in "The Doctor Is In" again: "Joie de vivre
isn't just a phrase that you sprinkle on your life now and then.
It's an attitude that should permeate your every waking hour. It
takes a little effort but let me assure you, the rewards are well
worth it."
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